Saturday, October 25, 2008
Nearly 12 hours sleep & long weekend
I finally had a decent sleep in 5 weeks. Almost 12 hours, I was so tired and drained. Did the routine vacuuming yesterday evening, the house looks much better. This Saturday is the start of a Halloween weekend bank holiday in Ireland, so extra day off on Monday, YAY!!!!
Initially, was planning to go shopping for a winter coat in Dundrum but the $ is not in yet so have to abandon the plan. So now, just woken up by the strong wind outside and the sound of raindrops splashing at my bedroom window. I don't like the Irish autumn, its windy and wet at the time, and the crazy autumn leaves make everything looks dirty!!! Still thinking about what I should do today. Oh, definitely doing some studying. There will be a mock surgery exam on All Saint's day. Still don't know the venue yet.
From the look of it, I'll be gaunt by the end of final med. I've not enough time to sleep and the appetite is decreasing. Even the food fails to entice me which rarely happened.
OK now I'm going off to do something more beneficial such as trying to have breakfast.
PS: I'm loving the Bodum french press coffee maker I bought!!!
Initially, was planning to go shopping for a winter coat in Dundrum but the $ is not in yet so have to abandon the plan. So now, just woken up by the strong wind outside and the sound of raindrops splashing at my bedroom window. I don't like the Irish autumn, its windy and wet at the time, and the crazy autumn leaves make everything looks dirty!!! Still thinking about what I should do today. Oh, definitely doing some studying. There will be a mock surgery exam on All Saint's day. Still don't know the venue yet.
From the look of it, I'll be gaunt by the end of final med. I've not enough time to sleep and the appetite is decreasing. Even the food fails to entice me which rarely happened.
OK now I'm going off to do something more beneficial such as trying to have breakfast.
PS: I'm loving the Bodum french press coffee maker I bought!!!
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Last night in Drogheda
Tonight will be the last night in Drogheda. After 4 weeks here, I will definitely miss this place. I find the surgical department very nice and very into teaching. I'm rather upset that I will not do my Sub-I in Drogheda.
Today was sh*t-time! Again, I'm in my usual down sensitive self after been trashed by the tutor in front of the group. Forgive me for not knowing the grading of splenic rupture!!!! Blame the notes I'm reading NOT me. I really thought it was 4, the note is wrong, it is 5. I tried to defend myself to no avail. After being embarrassed, I decide to just shut up and not answer anything unless its my turn. Maybe it showed in my facial expression that I was annoyed, he then said that "Sorry, I'm only messing with you". I don't like to messed about, I don't appreciate it. Don't try to be cute with me when I'm annoyed. The problem is I quite like the tutor despite his tendency to embarrassed me. I do admit that I got jealous when I knew he prefer someone else as favorite specially when he flaunt it. Sh*t-time indeed. I know I'm not smart enough.
Come to think of it, am I that worthless? What wrong with me? Everything else doesn't seem to work except only for my study. Am I married to this career I chose that nothing else matters? Fear and self pity, ruminating about it. Maybe I fear the unknown so I control what I know I can ie the study. I grew up thinking that I'm just plain. I am plain. I know I have nothing else to work with except my brain. I'm not beautiful, I'm fat, and I'm short. It feels bad enough when you know it's true. Last time someone told me otherwise, I freak out and leave the room. That is how bad it is, for I know it's untrue.
So if you ever wonder what I feel now, I feel ugly, unworthy and undeserving of anything wonderful in life.
Today was sh*t-time! Again, I'm in my usual down sensitive self after been trashed by the tutor in front of the group. Forgive me for not knowing the grading of splenic rupture!!!! Blame the notes I'm reading NOT me. I really thought it was 4, the note is wrong, it is 5. I tried to defend myself to no avail. After being embarrassed, I decide to just shut up and not answer anything unless its my turn. Maybe it showed in my facial expression that I was annoyed, he then said that "Sorry, I'm only messing with you". I don't like to messed about, I don't appreciate it. Don't try to be cute with me when I'm annoyed. The problem is I quite like the tutor despite his tendency to embarrassed me. I do admit that I got jealous when I knew he prefer someone else as favorite specially when he flaunt it. Sh*t-time indeed. I know I'm not smart enough.
Come to think of it, am I that worthless? What wrong with me? Everything else doesn't seem to work except only for my study. Am I married to this career I chose that nothing else matters? Fear and self pity, ruminating about it. Maybe I fear the unknown so I control what I know I can ie the study. I grew up thinking that I'm just plain. I am plain. I know I have nothing else to work with except my brain. I'm not beautiful, I'm fat, and I'm short. It feels bad enough when you know it's true. Last time someone told me otherwise, I freak out and leave the room. That is how bad it is, for I know it's untrue.
So if you ever wonder what I feel now, I feel ugly, unworthy and undeserving of anything wonderful in life.
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