Coldplay "Lost" Acoustic

Nearly 12 hours sleep & long weekend

I finally had a decent sleep in 5 weeks. Almost 12 hours, I was so tired and drained. Did the routine vacuuming yesterday evening, the house looks much better. This Saturday is the start of a Halloween weekend bank holiday in Ireland, so extra day off on Monday, YAY!!!!

Initially, was planning to go shopping for a winter coat in Dundrum but the $ is not in yet so have to abandon the plan. So now, just woken up by the strong wind outside and the sound of raindrops splashing at my bedroom window. I don't like the Irish autumn, its windy and wet at the time, and the crazy autumn leaves make everything looks dirty!!! Still thinking about what I should do today. Oh, definitely doing some studying. There will be a mock surgery exam on All Saint's day. Still don't know the venue yet.

From the look of it, I'll be gaunt by the end of final med. I've not enough time to sleep and the appetite is decreasing. Even the food fails to entice me which rarely happened.

OK now I'm going off to do something more beneficial such as trying to have breakfast.

PS: I'm loving the Bodum french press coffee maker I bought!!!

Last night in Drogheda

Tonight will be the last night in Drogheda. After 4 weeks here, I will definitely miss this place. I find the surgical department very nice and very into teaching. I'm rather upset that I will not do my Sub-I in Drogheda.

Today was sh*t-time! Again, I'm in my usual down sensitive self after been trashed by the tutor in front of the group. Forgive me for not knowing the grading of splenic rupture!!!! Blame the notes I'm reading NOT me. I really thought it was 4, the note is wrong, it is 5. I tried to defend myself to no avail. After being embarrassed, I decide to just shut up and not answer anything unless its my turn. Maybe it showed in my facial expression that I was annoyed, he then said that "Sorry, I'm only messing with you". I don't like to messed about, I don't appreciate it. Don't try to be cute with me when I'm annoyed. The problem is I quite like the tutor despite his tendency to embarrassed me. I do admit that I got jealous when I knew he prefer someone else as favorite specially when he flaunt it. Sh*t-time indeed. I know I'm not smart enough.

Come to think of it, am I that worthless? What wrong with me? Everything else doesn't seem to work except only for my study. Am I married to this career I chose that nothing else matters? Fear and self pity, ruminating about it. Maybe I fear the unknown so I control what I know I can ie the study. I grew up thinking that I'm just plain. I am plain. I know I have nothing else to work with except my brain. I'm not beautiful, I'm fat, and I'm short. It feels bad enough when you know it's true. Last time someone told me otherwise, I freak out and leave the room. That is how bad it is, for I know it's untrue.

So if you ever wonder what I feel now, I feel ugly, unworthy and undeserving of anything wonderful in life.

The stars and moon must have been by my side today

Totally refreshing today, with nice weather and sunny day. While I was having butterflies waiting for TOSBA, the Prof came and announced that he will not do one this week because he is already impressed by the surgical group. "The last 3 TOSBAs is enough for to see that you all work hard and I sincerely think that the group is surprisingly excellent", he said. I had a feel good moment for a while and pat my own back for the good work. Anyways, he gave us tutorial instead about colorectal cancer and APRs. Cool stuff! He spills some pearls and word of wisdoms on how to study for the final and prepare for the surgical final long and short cases. He wish us luck before he finish and would be glad for us to apply for internship in OLOLH next July.

Maybe my new hairdo is bringing me the good luck.....hahahaha...

Mock exams in November, I'm a bit worried for I haven't study any medicine during this surgical attachment. Will work something out, and possibly consult Ms. E about it. I want both of us to do well (possibly honours) and get a job here in the future.

Alright, time to get back to reality and study study study.....nonstop.

HOT!!!!

People, I have a new eye candy. Austin Drage from X-factor 2008. Check out his performance.

Another silent late night

As my usual boring self, am trying to stay up today to read for tomorrow's TOSBA (that's bedside assessment exam for those who doesn't know what it is). This week it's my turn to do the physical examination. Let's hope it's not the Prof tomorrow! He's scary! I officially ran out of idea of what topic would come out tomorrow. Go with the flow!

Went to a social do earlier. Nice food and all. But I can't deny the fact it is somewhat a freaky atmosphere. Maybe I'm getting too old for those kind of gathering. I don't do social very much, prefer quiet company and talk. Too much crowd are just too much.

Maybe I should just try the wine bar at Georges St. next time. The place looks interesting. A nice glass of wine and a good friend to talk too, classy! Miss E, you can drink the Coca-Cola instead while I down few glasses of fine Chardonnay or Reisling. We should do it soon after the $$$ are in. What say you?

OK folks, I'm off to read some stuff.

Ciao bella!

Disturbed

Pretty bizzare day today. Was put on spot to answer a question on surgical ground today, thank God I could answer them and no thank you to the tutor who choose me to answer it. Then, off to the endoscopy suite for an hour. Another session of tutorial with the aforementioned tutor. I was mistaken as somebody else, was a bit sadden by that. Intelligently with a fake smile I reply, "That's her, not me". Then I totally loose focus and interest to answer "what are the possible contents of a hernia". Went rather snappy after that. Ever felt that you are insignificant? I do know now how it felt. Its crazy when you are totally visible yet invisible. Quite crushed by it.

After a few text messages to a friend, felt a bit better. I miss my friend. Its too busy nowadays to really catch up with whats going on.

Another weekend approaching. I've nothing much to plan except maybe a hair cut and the gym. Perhaps will look for birthday present for a friend.

Pancreatitis and other happenings

While I'm trying finish my pancreatitis notes, suddenly got the urge to spill some stuff for release. Today was a bit blue. Not really sure whats happening, slightly apathetic today. Was a great start to the day initially but it turn out off-key. It rained, and I badly need a new winter coat. Now, I have to admit that I have a minimal turn moderate crush on a tutor. He's simply too cute to look at. Of course, I didn't expect him to noticed, it's just for fun. Who would turn around and look at me anyway...? NOBODY!!!!! Learned it the hard way. Plus he has a new favorite now, just because I didn't say the right answer to his question of "Any of you want to be a surgeon?". I'm not going to answer YES or NO because I'm still 50-50 on it, so I point to someone who is likely to be one.

And now, while getting altered bowel motions due to caffeine overload......I realized how depressing the future could be. Whoever said that I should get a BF while in university should drop down dead by now and rot! Its totally impossible when all energy you got is to make sure you pass the exams. I could not fathom how some people could even have time to deal with all the mushy stuff. EURGHHHHHH! Not my style at the moment.

Ok, next stress inducer is some problem to talk to with the dean, not mine though. I understand that being the eldest means responsibility, but can people just stop and think about what I felt first, instead of pushing demands when there are millions to do? Some people...STOP BUGGING ME!!!!!! I know what to do! Some idiot should start being active rather than passive, you will get nowhere otherwise.

There you got it

Heroes or ghosts

This is a great song from my fav Irish band "The Coronas"

Worry

Been extremely uncharacteristically worried this past few days. I don't know why. Can you possibly feel lonely in a sea of people? I guess you can. Slightly pissed off about something. You see, "colours" come out after some times and no matter what you still have to bare it. I'm slightly and slowly going insane.

Top 5 things that I worry about these days:

1. Thinking about finals and how to do well.
2. Thinking about how get an intern post.
3. Thinking about how to pay back the scholarship if I had too.
4. Thinking about how short life is and how to make the most of it.
5. Thinking about the future and how unprepared I am to face it.