Tonight will be the last night in Drogheda. After 4 weeks here, I will definitely miss this place. I find the surgical department very nice and very into teaching. I'm rather upset that I will not do my Sub-I in Drogheda.
Today was sh*t-time! Again, I'm in my usual down sensitive self after been trashed by the tutor in front of the group. Forgive me for not knowing the grading of splenic rupture!!!! Blame the notes I'm reading NOT me. I really thought it was 4, the note is wrong, it is 5. I tried to defend myself to no avail. After being embarrassed, I decide to just shut up and not answer anything unless its my turn. Maybe it showed in my facial expression that I was annoyed, he then said that "Sorry, I'm only messing with you". I don't like to messed about, I don't appreciate it. Don't try to be cute with me when I'm annoyed. The problem is I quite like the tutor despite his tendency to embarrassed me. I do admit that I got jealous when I knew he prefer someone else as favorite specially when he flaunt it. Sh*t-time indeed. I know I'm not smart enough.
Come to think of it, am I that worthless? What wrong with me? Everything else doesn't seem to work except only for my study. Am I married to this career I chose that nothing else matters? Fear and self pity, ruminating about it. Maybe I fear the unknown so I control what I know I can ie the study. I grew up thinking that I'm just plain. I am plain. I know I have nothing else to work with except my brain. I'm not beautiful, I'm fat, and I'm short. It feels bad enough when you know it's true. Last time someone told me otherwise, I freak out and leave the room. That is how bad it is, for I know it's untrue.
So if you ever wonder what I feel now, I feel ugly, unworthy and undeserving of anything wonderful in life.
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